Weakness

I know it's been a long time since my last post. Almost a month in fact. I'm sorry about that, more than you know. I've been going through something. Something that I wasn't sure I was going to share with you. As hard as this will be, I feel that I need to. I'm not perfect, far from it in fact. And sometimes it's hard to let people see your extreme imperfections.
A couple of Sundays ago there was a talk given on the scripture Either 12:27. It says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." This is a scripture that I've heard many times growing up in the LDS church. But on this Sunday I learned something new about this scripture. The women giving this talk brought up something that I have never noticed before. In this scripture it doesn't say weaknesses it just says weakness. I have always assumed that it was plural. She pointed out that we are all weak because we are away from our Heavenly Father. We are weak because we are spirits having a human experience. This had a lot of meaning to me and I'll explain that a little later. Now I need to tell you what has been going on with me.
Just after my last post I went through a hard couple of weeks. We still haven't sold our home so our family is still split up with my husband being gone all week and coming home most weekends, but not all. It was getting more and more difficult. Then one weekend the stress of it was just too much to handle. It was a Sunday afternoon and I had to leave. I took a drive to be by myself. I took somethings to read. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was so many things at one time I just started to sob. I sobbed more and harder than I had for quite some time. Then I decided to read. I read a Conference Talk. It was from a few conference ago and the talk talked about getting blessings for doing what was right. I don't think I was in a place where I could really understand that because at that moment it made me more mad. I needed to get my feelings out so I started to write them down. As I was writing I realized that I was mad at the Lord. Mad because my husband and I had done what was right and I couldn't see the good in it. We had prayed about what we should do. We even turned down a job because we didn't feel right about it when there were no other job offers we could see. Then when my husband interviewed for his current job we felt very good about it. Even before he was offered the job, we knew he was going to get it because we had felt so good about accepting it. So why now, after doing what was right, are we not being blessed? Why is our family separated and having to struggle so much? These are some of the questions that I wrote down. Then there were more and more tears with pleading for understanding. After about an hour and a half and after I started to calm, did I started to recall some very important things. The first one was we, I, have always been taken care of. No matter what has happened in my life I have been blessed and guided by my Heavenly Father. I started to remember specific times in the past when Heavenly Father guided me and things turned out wonderful and just how they should. Remembering those times helped me to calm down a little more. They start to take away my some of my anger. Next I remembered the past few years and how blessed my family and I have been. And even now going through this long and hard trial we are being blessed. It was a very humbling experience for me to go though. Not once in my life have I been so upset with my Heavenly Father (which is one reason this is hard for me to share with you). I felt so much remorse. Who was I to get mad and upset? I don't know everything. I can't see everything. I wasn't having the faith I needed, I had lost it. I had lost my way. So for the next couple of weeks I tried to repent. I pleaded on my knees to the Lord. I went to the Temple. I had tried very hard to soften my heart, to come to the Lord. To feel His forgiveness. Then I started to feel the forgiveness a little here and a little there. The love of the Lord once again entered into my heart. I started to once again see the tender mercies that He continues to give me each and every day. I had stop seeing them. I had become blind to them because of weakness.
When I heard the talk given on Either 12:27 it became more clear to me. I was weak, and weaker than I had ever realized. I need now more than ever to come to the Lord. The only way I can make it through this trial, this separation, my family is having is with the help and strength from my Father in Heaven. I am weak. I need to be more humble and I'm working on that. I don't know how things will turn out, but I'm trying to have more faith in my Heavenly Father. I've changed my prayers. Not only do I pray for increased faith but now I pray for the strength to endure this trial. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I am truly grateful for His patients in me as I struggle through this earthly experience.

Weather

This week I'm in the middle of a little camp that I'm doing for my children and some other children too. It was scheduled to rain all week long. We have been so blessed! On Monday it didn't rain until after the second session was finished. Then it was really hot yesterday when we played in the water. So even in the weather I can see tender mercies from the Lord. Really I've been blessed with good enough health so far this week. At some moments I didn't know if I would be able to do it, and then somehow, with the help from the Lord I was able to do it. So far it has a huge blessing not only for me, but for my children and also for the other children at the camp. I have been amazed at how it has also blessed their lives. I truly believe that the Lord inspires us with ideas to bless our lives and the lives of others.

Technology

Who would have thought that I could be blessed by technology? Okay that sounds really weird saying that because we are blessed every day with technology. But really this blessing was a little different. I've never shared this with you but I have other blogs. One specifically speaking, is a health food type of blog. I post healthy, but very yummy, recipes and talk about things that could help people with their health. I usually am really far ahead on my posting, but lately I've been behind with all of the fun summer activities we've had. This next week I'm doing a kids camp and will not have the time to do posts every day. So I needed to get a head again. Our Internet has been a little hit and miss for a few days, so it's been hard to get ahead. Then two days ago it was on for most of the afternoon. I was able to get everything finished I needed to. When I was done, the Internet stopped working and was completely out for almost two days. It was so nice not to be stressed about my posts and be able to do things with my children and also get stuff ready for next week. It may sound like a little thing to you, but it was a huge blessing for me. A wonderful tender mercy.

Phone Calls

Yesterday I was struggling emotionally. I don't know what it was, I'm not quite sure what set it off. I had talked with my husband early yesterday morning and told him that I was in a funk. I usually don't get to talk to him more than twice a day. Once with our children to say hi, read scriptures, and say prayers. Then later after they're in bed so we can say our couple prayer together. So when I got to talk to him in the morning it was a nice surprise, it was something that I needed. Through out the day I really tired hard not to think. I tried to stay really busy, to keep my mind from wondering. But there were those moments where thoughts started to creep in. Where in my mind I would have conversations with my self telling me all of things I was doing wrong, what a bad mother/person I was, etc, etc. Those moments where you almost loose it. And then the phone would ring, and it would be my husband just wanting to know how I was doing. Instantly I would feel better. Of course I would have to explain to him that I almost lost it again and was on the verge of tears, but he was there to comfort me. I don't know if he'll ever know how much that meant to me. I know that my Heavenly Father does. And I'm sure it was Him giving my husband the thought to call me, knowing he and only he was the one who could bring me some comfort at that time. I am so grateful. I am loved.

Taken care of

I feel I need to share with you what happened to me and my family this past week and weekend. As you may or may not know my husband currently works 2.5 hours away and comes home only on the weekends. Then every 6 weeks he is on call and cannot come home at all. The week before last he was on call and before that was only home a couple of days. It's hard. It's hard on me and my children.
So last week he took the whole week off through Monday the 5th. We were so excited to have him home more. Thursday through Monday he didn't have any work at all so we wanted to go somewhere, do something as a family. Wednesday night I didn't feel good about going anywhere too far from home. It was a strange feeling. Why would I want to stay close to home and not go somewhere and make memories with my husband and children? It was hard and frustrating telling my husband that I didn't think we should go anywhere, just do day trips but sleep at home. After all was said and done that is what we did. So we set out on Thursday for our first day trip. We went to some Lakes do swim and do some fishing. My health has been really good lately so when I had an attack in the car on the way there I was shocked. It wasn't one of my worst ones. I was able to stay at the lake for a couple of hours. Then it was home to recover. Friday morning I felt good enough to go and do another trip. But my daughter woke up very sick and I took her to the doctor. We came home with medication. So we decided that my husband would go with the boys and my dad 4 wheeling for the day. Then a couple hours later, before they left, my youngest got sick too, more medication. So my husband took our oldest son with Grandpa, while I stayed home with the two sick littles. Saturday came and I was feeling good and so was my little boy. My daughter was still not feeling well so she went to my mom's house while I went with my husband and the boys 4 wheeling for the day. Sunday my oldest go the sick bug and even more medication. Monday my husband took my daughter and youngest son to a parade while I was home with our oldest. By that afternoon he was feeling better and we went, this time all of us, to my parents to swim and do fireworks.
It was a crazy extended weekend with all of that going on. I didn't remember until today about the bad feelings I had last Wednesday and I was so thankful. Thankful that Heavenly Father was there warning me, taking care of me and my family, knowing what was going to happen. If we would have gone somewhere to stay over night it would have been so hard and awful! And the best part is all three of my kids only remember the fun they had with their dad.

Patience

During this past Conference President Dieter F. Uchtodorf gave a talk about Patience. It really hit home for me. When the talks were printed it was one of the first talks that I started to study. Then a few weeks ago our lesson in Relief Society was on his talk 'Continue in Patience'. Then last night I felt like I needed to re read it again. I guess I'm not getting it, what Heavenly Father wants me to learn. President Uchtdorf says some truly amazing things about patience. A few of the things that really stuck out to me last night were these:
"Patience-the ability to put our desires on hold for a time-is a precious and rare virtue."
"Without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."
"Patience require[s] actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results [don't] appear instantly or without effort."
"Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"
"Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith."
"Knowledge and understanding come at the price of patience."
"Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most."
I probably should write all of these quotes down and put them up around my house so I can remember them. Sometimes life can be hard, but I need to remember to have patience and just 'let God'.

Goals

My oldest son, who is 6 years old, came up to my husband and I this past weekend. This is what he said to us, "I want to set a goal that I won't watch t.v. for a whole week." I was shocked, surprised, and to be honest a little confused. Where did he get this idea? Not from me. I don't take any credit for it. He is an amazing boy! So my husband and I talked to him about what that goal would mean. We wanted to make sure that he understood what a goal was. We wanted to help him set some rules and guide lines so that he could accomplish his goal. I wasn't sure if he could really do it, so we helped him take the goal down to 4 days to start off with. The goal stood at no t.v. but did not include playing the Wii or the computer.
I watched him very carefully. The first morning, Sunday, instead of waking up and watching T.V. until my husband and I woke up he stayed in his room and played with his toys. Then we went over to my parents home for dinner. The T.V. was on. My brother's were watching a sports game. He stayed by my side in the kitchen or was outside playing with his cousins staying out of the room completely. As soon as the game was over and the T.V. was turned off he ran to my mom and asked her if she would play a Wii game with him. I was so proud of him! Again he showed me his integrity. This same thing continued until today the fourth day. Today I also made my second oldest go without T.V. She didn't think it was fair, but it was really easy for her to do for just one day. It's been so nice not having the T.V. on at all. Hopefully this will help so it won't be on so much this summer.
What an amazing example my son is to me. This experience has helped me to remember how important goals are, especially righteous ones. And then try our hardest to reach them. I think it's time to go over my new year's resolutions and see how I am doing. How are you doing?