I know it's been a long time since my last post. Almost a month in fact. I'm sorry about that, more than you know. I've been going through something. Something that I wasn't sure I was going to share with you. As hard as this will be, I feel that I need to. I'm not perfect, far from it in fact. And sometimes it's hard to let people see your extreme imperfections.
A couple of Sundays ago there was a talk given on the scripture Either 12:27. It says, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." This is a scripture that I've heard many times growing up in the LDS church. But on this Sunday I learned something new about this scripture. The women giving this talk brought up something that I have never noticed before. In this scripture it doesn't say weaknesses it just says weakness. I have always assumed that it was plural. She pointed out that we are all weak because we are away from our Heavenly Father. We are weak because we are spirits having a human experience. This had a lot of meaning to me and I'll explain that a little later. Now I need to tell you what has been going on with me.
Just after my last post I went through a hard couple of weeks. We still haven't sold our home so our family is still split up with my husband being gone all week and coming home most weekends, but not all. It was getting more and more difficult. Then one weekend the stress of it was just too much to handle. It was a Sunday afternoon and I had to leave. I took a drive to be by myself. I took somethings to read. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was so many things at one time I just started to sob. I sobbed more and harder than I had for quite some time. Then I decided to read. I read a Conference Talk. It was from a few conference ago and the talk talked about getting blessings for doing what was right. I don't think I was in a place where I could really understand that because at that moment it made me more mad. I needed to get my feelings out so I started to write them down. As I was writing I realized that I was mad at the Lord. Mad because my husband and I had done what was right and I couldn't see the good in it. We had prayed about what we should do. We even turned down a job because we didn't feel right about it when there were no other job offers we could see. Then when my husband interviewed for his current job we felt very good about it. Even before he was offered the job, we knew he was going to get it because we had felt so good about accepting it. So why now, after doing what was right, are we not being blessed? Why is our family separated and having to struggle so much? These are some of the questions that I wrote down. Then there were more and more tears with pleading for understanding. After about an hour and a half and after I started to calm, did I started to recall some very important things. The first one was we, I, have always been taken care of. No matter what has happened in my life I have been blessed and guided by my Heavenly Father. I started to remember specific times in the past when Heavenly Father guided me and things turned out wonderful and just how they should. Remembering those times helped me to calm down a little more. They start to take away my some of my anger. Next I remembered the past few years and how blessed my family and I have been. And even now going through this long and hard trial we are being blessed. It was a very humbling experience for me to go though. Not once in my life have I been so upset with my Heavenly Father (which is one reason this is hard for me to share with you). I felt so much remorse. Who was I to get mad and upset? I don't know everything. I can't see everything. I wasn't having the faith I needed, I had lost it. I had lost my way. So for the next couple of weeks I tried to repent. I pleaded on my knees to the Lord. I went to the Temple. I had tried very hard to soften my heart, to come to the Lord. To feel His forgiveness. Then I started to feel the forgiveness a little here and a little there. The love of the Lord once again entered into my heart. I started to once again see the tender mercies that He continues to give me each and every day. I had stop seeing them. I had become blind to them because of weakness.
When I heard the talk given on Either 12:27 it became more clear to me. I was weak, and weaker than I had ever realized. I need now more than ever to come to the Lord. The only way I can make it through this trial, this separation, my family is having is with the help and strength from my Father in Heaven. I am weak. I need to be more humble and I'm working on that. I don't know how things will turn out, but I'm trying to have more faith in my Heavenly Father. I've changed my prayers. Not only do I pray for increased faith but now I pray for the strength to endure this trial. I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I am truly grateful for His patients in me as I struggle through this earthly experience.