Acceptance

Two weeks ago today, I attended a Relief Society meeting. Relief Society is a woman's organization in my church. Go here to learn more. To be honest I don't remember everything that was said, only bits and pieces. But what I do remember changed my whole outlook on my life right now. For a long time now I have been living in the past. By that I mean I would see old pictures of myself and see home movies of my self and I was longing for the way I used to be. It was killing me to see how fun I was, how much energy I had, what a good mom I was to my children. Then questions would follow such as, why can't I be that person again, how come I can't have that kind of energy to play with my kids? I was really struggling. I almost didn't go to the meeting. But then my husband surprised me and came home early for the weekend. He told me to go so he could have some alone time with our kids. After the meeting I knew all of it was an answer to my prayer.
During the meeting one women in my ward spoke about the stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I've heard the stages before but what I didn't understand was how to apply them to my life. She explained, first off that the stages are not just step one, then you move on to step two, and so on. You can go back and forth from stage to stage depending on the day. Then she described how the stages apply in our life for more than just grief. She drew a picture of a house on the white board and talked about our lives. When you look back at your life you can see certain dates or moments in your life that make it change. For example when you get married, or graduated from High School or College, or when someone you know dies or is in an accident. Those moments make a line in our path. As She spoke she drew a vertical line representing those moments, then drew a bunch of squiggly lines after it. She explained that after that moment or moments in your lives (the vertical line) you go around and around through the stages of grief (the squiggly lines). It might be that you are in denial for a long time and then angry for a short while but then you go back and forth between bargaining and depression. It isn't always a straight line to acceptance, and it might take a while to get there. Then she went on to talk about acceptance. She said some powerful things. Being able to truly be at the stage of acceptance you have to realize that you're not back at the normal you used to be before the moment hit your path and a vertical line was drawn. You have to realize that you're at the "new normal".
The whole time she was talking I pictured my life, the moments where there were big changes in it. And of course I looked back on one of the biggest moments, the moment I was in the hospital with pancreatitus and gallstones. I remembered sitting there in my hospital room crying to my husband, asking him, what does God want me to learn from this? I was in panic mode. I could feel that this trial was going to be long and hard. I was past the denial and anger stage and I was already at bargaining. Then over the past 3 and a half years I saw how I have gone back and forth through the stages of grief. I began to truly understand what she was talking about, but it wasn't until after she talked about the 'new normal' that I realized that I needed to change my outlook on my current life. I was never going to be that same person I was. I've been through a lot both physically and mentally. But I could still be a good mom and have a good life, just a different one, and new normal. It was one of those 'Ah ha' moments like Oprah describes. :] I left the meeting feeling so uplifted and closer to my Father in Heaven. He wanted me to move on and I needed to move on. The last two weeks have been so much different for me. I am more at peace than I've been in a long time. I'm happier with myself. I have more energy and have even started working out again. Something I used to do all of the time. In short I've made a lot of changes. I've accepted that this is how I am now. I can still find answers to better my health, I haven't given up. But I can accept that I'll never eat a hamburger from Wendy's again. :] My life is different, but it is still a good life and I owe that to my Heavenly Father.