A Candle for Jesus

by Kim Hiatt Day in 2006
Luke carefully held the tiny slip of paper in his hand not yet daring to fold it open. "Oh please," he thought for the hundredth time, "please, please let it say Wiseman."

Luke had reluctantly agreed to be in the Sunday School Christmas Pageant. He had initially felt shy and foolish, but after hearing the Nativity Story from the Bible for the first time he changed his mind. Sister Bates, his Sunday school teacher had read them the story last week. She read it with feeling and humility. He never remembered hearing it before and kept re-playing it in his mind. How could a king like Jesus be born in an old barn with a bunch of animals? If he was the Son of God, why in the world would he be placed in a manger with straw instead of a real cradle? How ever did the Wisemen find him by following a distant star? Weren't the shepherds plenty afraid when the angles appeared out of nowhere?

When sister Bates outlined the Nativity Program, she made it clear that every single one of them would have a part. Luck was mighty reluctant, until the parts and costumes were described in detail. As Luke listened to all the information, he kept pulling at the threads in his worn and tattered overalls making the hole in his knee even bigger. He was so tired of wearing secondhand, shabby clothes from the mission barrel. He couldn't recollect a time when he had actually put something new on--something crisp, colorful and completely his own. Old shoes a mighty too tight or big enough to need newspapers shoved into their toes to keep from slipping and sliding inside them, frayed jackets cast off by some luckier soul than he made their way into his traveling knapsack, and he was plenty weary of making do with the mall. He was long since used to not fitting in with everyone else--ways the new kids, the poor one, the drifter who wouldn't be staying long. But somehow since he was settled here with the likelihood of staying put for a few months, Luke would give about anything for a new pair of overalls and a change to feel like he was as good as anybody else.

As he clutched the paper tightly, he knew again that he wanted to be a Wise man. He wanted to be a king and to wear the rich gowns of velvet and a fancy crown. He wanted to be important and of course, wise. Having followed the magnificent star, he wanted to present the baby Jesus with a beautiful and costly gift of frankincense or gold. He had imagined himself walking stately and regally to the stage, all eyes upon him, carefully carrying his gift with pride and purpose. He could see himself bow before the little manger feeling grand and royal inside. He had replayed this scene in his mind over and over this past week, and he was surprised at how much it mattered to him. He wanted to be a Wiseman and he wanted ti bad!

He didn't want to open the paper, didn't dare find out what was written upon it. He slipped out the side door of the small chapel into the crisp cool air and headed around the back. HE settled himself down on the ground between two trees for a moment's privacy and quiet away from all the children and chaos inside. Still carefully clutching the small paper he thought about the last few weeks he had been staying here with his great Aunt Meg. His dad had found work in Canada with a logging crew and had needed to leave him behind. It had been just him and his dad these past few years since his mama had died. His dad spent many hours seeking employment and then working long hours on a job finally found. The many doctors' bills from mam's illness and trying to stay afloat during these hard times hadn't been easy. They had moved around a lot, and Luke was often alone. He felt pretty disconnected from folks as it was hard to bother getting to know people that you would likely as not soon be leaving. It was easier to keep to himself, and he shuffled though each solitary day like a sleepwalker in his own life.

Luke tried to remember his mam and how good it felt to have her love him so .He tried so hard to remember her warm smile and generous affection. His memory of her was slipping away like dry sand though his fingers and could only be captured now in brief snatches--snatches that left him feeling empty and desolate afterwards. His dad's grief and loneliness had made him distant and gruff and he was always away. Luke thought he was a disappointment and a burden to his father, and there weren't many words between them. Luke felt alone...he felt insignificant and invisible. There was a hollowness that loomed inside and seemed to color the world in various shades of gray. Luke didn't think much of himself or much of the world around him either. He considered himself to be the loser that everyone else seemed to see and found caring about anything getting tougher. SO he was surprised to feel so intensely about being a Wiseman in this pageant as it seemed a good while since he had felt much of anything at all. These thoughts brought him back around to the little slip of paper form the drawing that had gone on earlier inside. He closed his eyes tight, took a deep breath and slowly unfolded it. After several seconds pause, he finally opened up his eyes to read the word, "Shepard." He was devastated. He angrily wadded up the sweaty paper and tossed it in front of him in disgust and disappointment. Why in the world did he imagine for a moment that something fine and extraordinary would happen to him? Of course he was a shepherd...a grimy, poor, shabby shepherd with a bunch of dumb sheep. Nothing special. Probably just one of the many kids in the pageant that they had found a stupid part for. What food he had been to actually hope for something good, to think that his place was any different than all of the rest, to think that he had a chance. He was mad as the dickens, and mostly at himself. Stupid pageant anyway. He just wouldn't be in it, wouldn't go back to Sunday school either, no matter that he had promised Aunt Meg when she took him in.
He walked home with his hands deep in his pockets and his mind whirling with discouraged thoughts. HE wasn't in a hurry to arrive home to such solitary quarters and didn't want to answer his aunt's questions about the practice. Aunt Meg had been a nurse for many years and was now retired, living alone. She was efficient, no nonsense and certainly not accustomed to children. She was fiercely devoted to the Bible and had reluctantly taken him in as her Christian duty. Luke knew she was trying ,he had felt her soften towards him the last week or so. She read the Bible each evening to him, and while he resisted it at first, he flt more and more drawn to listening to the stores about Jesus. Just who was this Jesus that he distantly remembered his Mama telling him about? He was amazed at the stories of him healing the sick, the blind and the lame. How he seemed to care about everyone! He wondered about some of the the parables and the unlikely souls Jesus befriended. He would lie in bed at night thinking about him, questioning why he was often scorned and driven out and how he seemed to love everyone regardless. Luke vaguely remembered his mam's prayers and how she had spoken of him with love and reverence. He found himself curiously listening during Bible reading to capture the essence of his mam's devotion. But wait. . .he didn't want to think about his now. . .it only reminded him of the Christmas pageant, and he certainly wasn't about to think of that!

Luke walked into his aunt's kitchen, pasted the bread and milk she had waiting for him and wearily went upstairs to his tiny bedroom. As he lay shivering in bed, he thought of his dad. He wondered if he would be home for Christmas. Christmas hadn't been much of a big deal these last few years, and when Aunt Meg suggested that they soon cut down a Christmas tree, he had felt genuine surprise at such an offer. "Stupid Christmas. . stupid everything," the reoccurring thought that kept hammering itself in his mind. Just what did anything even matter at all?
The next several days Luke was an even more solitary figure. He withdrew into his oversize jacket and tried to pretend that he wasn't even in it. He went though the motions of everyday. . .of going to school, even of going to Sunday school, but then walked right back out the door after Aunt Meg went into her own class. He didn't make and attempts to answer the questions of his school mates and barely mumbled in reply to his aunt. Who knows how long this might have gone on until an evening a few days later when there was a knock at the door. Sister Bates, sensing his need and disappointment, stood holding a candlestick bringing also a genuine love and goodwill that Luke hadn't felt in a very long time. With concern and kindness in her eyes, she placed the candle in Luke's hand and told him how important a true shepherd really was, caring for each and everyone of his sheep. How they patiently looked after their flock to keep them safe - even had them numbered in their conscientious are. That a goo shepherd would even die for his flock, just as Jesus did for us. she described how the angels appeared to them first, proclaiming the glorious birth of our Savior and singing praises to him. That the shepherds were afraid in the beginning, but then they hurried to find the hold child to kneel and worship him. After wards they hastened to spread the good news to others. The good news of the Savior's birth! She explained that during the pageant, the shepherds would come in carrying a lighted candle. The candle would symbolize that Jesus is the light of the world. That he was born to rescue us from the worries, the struggle and darkness of this life, and bring us to everlasting light.

Sister Bates explained that the shepherds would all gather around the baby Jesus, carefully holding their candles while the nativity story was finished and the congregation sang several songs. Luke pondered all of this, trying not to be the slightest bit interested, nor feel the intensity of her compassionate gaze--yet also trying to push past the thick wall of indifference and let her kindness in. Sister Bates took both of his hands in hers and looked intently into his eyes, "We need you in our pageant Luke," she declared with feeling. "You need to carry this candle, this light, for Jesus." After several seconds pause, she smiled, and as she turned to leave told him she also wanted him to keep the candlestick afterwards. . .to remind him of being a shepherd and the significance of the light. Strangely comforted, Luke held the shiny candlestick later that evening. IT was one of the few things he even owned, and he was still surprised that she had really given it to him. Carefully holding it he felt the first stirrings of renewed hope. HE felt a lightness within that was new to him. He thought again about what it represented. He remembered his aunt had read something bout Jesus saying "I am the light of the world," and although he didn't understand it then, he felt it now. He could somehow feel that light surrounding him here. HE smiled to himself. . .and didn't even know why.

The next few days felt much different to Luke. He didn't feel so alone inside. He looked at the world around him and there seemed to be colors again. HE was friendlier to his class mates and felt more genuinely interested in the life around him. Cutting down the Christmas tree a couple of days later with Aunt Meg, and then hauling it home in the snow was pure magic! She herself seemed happier and went about humming Christmas carols and baking Christmas cookies with a merriment that was a surprise to all. Even his old overalls didn't seem to bother him as much as they had before, and he hardly noticed the holes. OH sure, he still wanted to be Wiseman, and during practices later in the week, he felt twinges of envy as they came in nobly dressed with such finery and carrying their beautiful gifts. But it was okay. The coarse brown robe that he wore didn't seem so bad. He kept remembering all Sister Bates had told him about the shepherds. But oh how he did long for such a beautiful offering to give the baby Jesus. That bothered him a lot-it just didn't seem fair that the shepherds didn't have anything to give. HE knew what not having anything felt like, and it seemed a little king born in a stable ought to receive something more.

Christmas Eve and the night of the pageant finally arrived. Luke adjusted his head piece nervously as the crowd of people made their way into the cozy church decorated with festive pine boughs and ribbons. He felt excitement inside, as he had never participated in anything so fine. He listened to the music of the organist as if hearing it for the first time, and everything seemed to come alive for him as the Christmas Nativity was performed. HE really felt for poor tired Mary, and for kind Joseph, so concerned and anxiously trying to find a warm and safe place for her in the inn. He watched in awe as the glittery star was raised over the baby Jesus, who was the small baby brother of another shepherd, as if the true majestic star of the east was actually in the night sky. And as the shepherds reverently make their way to his bedside, carefully carrying the important lighted candles, his heart seemed ready to burst. As he knelt before this little one, it was as though he was before sweet baby Jesus himself. He felt in awe, and as if he was truly one of the privileged ones to behold the Lamb of God and be a witness of his birth. As his eyes locked with the little fellow in the manger bed, it was suddenly as if his own magnificent miracle was unfolding within. For with that tiny gaze he felt a powerful love and warmth he didn't know was possible. It utterly surrounded him and give him such a sense of peace and joy. In this instant he knew Jesus really did know him, that indeed the Good Shepherd knew all of his sheep. Luke somehow knew that his worries, loneliness, sadness and insecurities were entirely know to him--that he was aware of and had compassion for how hard things had been. He also felt that Jesus knew how really important and wonderful he was! That in his eyes he wasn't anything close to a loser. . .what a dear and pleasant surprise! Luke felt as if all of heaven was smiling down at him as this rush of light and love penetrated his soul. He felt his mama's warm affection once again take hold of his heart, mingled with this amazingly strong love from Jesus.

Luke hardly noticed as the Wisemen came and laid their fine gifts by the manger, so intent was this sweet exchange between him and the baby. As he was aware of the lowly animals about, and the hushed feeling present, it occurred to him that Jesus was born in a humble stable, this king of heaven and earth, because he came to know us and love us for who we are and not for what we do, where we live, how we look or what we have. As the congregation joined in singing the sweet Christmas hymns of praise and adoration, Luke was oblivious to it all. Oblivious even to his father's presence at the back of the chapel, whose tear filled eyes, for the first time in a long time, truly beheld his sweet son on the stage. Nothing could compare to the majesty of this moment when Luke truly saw himself in the eyes of the Savior. It was like coming home, and somehow he knew that nothing would be the same for him again. That even his dad returning. . even the new overalls that Aunt Meg had saved for and had carefully wrapped under the tree couldn't stop this moment of knowing who he was. For carrying this light had dispelled all of the darkness, and as the pageant ended, he knew that he would take it with him. Even after secretly leaving his gift of the candlestick carefully nestled at the mangers' feet among the ornate gifts of the magi, he knew that the real gift would be going forward with all of the the light he could muster. Going forward as a shepherd--looking after and caring for others, and spreading the good news of Jesus and his wondrous light.

"I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep." John 10:14

"I am the light of the world, he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." John 8:12